East Flatbush Writer

Just because it starts off broke doesn’t mean God can’t fix it in the middle.

We were sitting at the back of the church while she told me a small part of the story of her marriage.  I was 24 years old and felt trapped in a very dysfunctional one. There was resentment,  disappointment, distress and darkness. My then husband and I were two young people living in the poorest city in America eager to help the residents there stand on their own feet while the ground under ours was giving way. I shared with her some of the struggles we were dealing with and expressed my increasing sense of hopelessness that things could ever get better. She listened and then shared with me her unbelievable story of the loveless marriage she had found herself in for almost ten years without a hint of change.

I sat in disbelief trying to process the words that were coming out of the mouth of this always well-put together 50 something year old woman who had otherwise given no indication that she was in anything less than a strong, committed, relationship with a man whom she loved and respected for  over 25 years.

Harold met Inez while he was in a difficult period in his life.  He was experiencing a crisis of faith and identity.  A young man in his 20s raised in the church strayed away to find himself.  While on that journey he met Inez who did not share his faith.  Together they started on a new path and quickly got pregnant.  Although not in the church,  Harold was a man of the church and felt compelled to “do the right thing. ” They got married and set up house as they anxiously anticipated the birth of their son. Like many others who marry for the wrong reasons,  a new house,  a new job, even a precious new baby could not fill the void that a love less marriage creates.  I remember her telling me that they didn’t know how to act around each other.  They were together but not a functioning unit.  As parents, they were committed to their son,  but not to each other.  It was an empty, lifeless marriage that both wanted out of but couldn’t bear to leave. 

Time dragged on and the years began to stack up but nothing really changed.  Inez was miserable and Harold was stoic. He was determined to make it work.  He returned to his faith and found direction for his life while slow burning embers of love began to spark for his wife.  Inez’s heart was softened over time,  it took years for them to decide to try and make a life together. One where they were both committed to their faith, their family and each other. 

It’s been over 50 years of marriage and a recent visit to this inspirational couple reminded me that work on any relationship can take time,  sometimes a lot of time.  So what’s happening during this time of waiting and seeing? I think Inez would say the time is for figuring it out. It’s also for making decisions.  It’s for assessing the pros and cons of the relationship.  It’s for praying and seeking answers to the deepest questions of your heart.  It’s for patience,  stillness and revelation. It’s possibly for believing that someone or something that seems irreparably broken can be put back together.  I am in no way suggesting that every relationship can always be repaired but what I’ve learned through the story of Harold and Inez is that sometimes the answer is just to give it some time.